Sunday, May 8, 2011

From the Mind of an Insomniac...

Oh insomnia...I have never been officially diagnosed (In the sense of seeing a doctor or a sleep specialist for their expert opinion) with having this sleep disorder, but I am pretty sure my sleepless nights, coupled with racing thoughts, and finally, my difficulties to fall back asleep after being awakened would make any medical expert cringe from behind his clipboard.

The past few weeks have been no exception as I sometimes lie awake at night thinking and reflecting upon my past; as well as, hoping and "dreaming" about my future. A few nights ago, I had every intention to get to bed early that night since my slacker days of sometimes working will soon be over due to the fact that I start my new job this week which requires me to join the 9-5 masses. After getting comfortable under my covers with trusty eye mask in place, I quickly fall asleep around midnight (yes, this is considered early for me these days) only to be disturbed around 1:30 a.m. by of all things text messages (which I will write about in greater detail in the upcoming weeks)!! Since the beeping of my phone only scared/awakened/annoyed me, I ended up staying up, unable to fall back asleep and once again...I reflected upon my past.

Instead of reflecting upon the positive, or even a mix of both the positive and the negative, my mind wandered toward all the negative things that occurred in my life over the past year and a half. I thought about my struggles in France from arriving with my horrible host family (which I quickly changed after a month of being there), to the issues and problems I had with my second host family (which I was able to resolve upon getting over the language barrier and improving my self confidence). I thought about random things in between from: life in France, to friends and people, to my current "job" and even what's going on in the world. After that time of reflection, I then thought about my future and all the uncertainties it holds. I understand that the future is unknown; hell, it's not even guaranteed. I also understand that sometimes planning for it yields unexpected results, sometimes good and sometimes...unfortunate. I guess I write this because I have arrived at a very difficult crossroads in life which has lead me to weigh out the good; and also the bad. Do I follow my heart and my dreams and go back to Europe: where work, life, and "the future" remain unknown and quite frankly...downright scary?? Or, do I remain here stateside...working in this new job, saving money, paying my debts, and hoping once again to return to Europe within the next few years?? This feeling of uncertainty and the unknown is what kept me up that night and for many nights now I may add. However, I turn my thoughts to the positive, and the thought of a new day full of hope, energy, and a clearer answer just as the sun comes up around 6a.m.

Yeah...I really need to get some Ambien...

Song of the Moment:
"Trouble Sleeping": Corinne Bailey Rae

***One of my fave songs and c.d.s!!!***

No comments:

Post a Comment